So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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