final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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