I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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