I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
