omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
