Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
MIDGETS
????
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
