No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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