I just saw a hot homeless man
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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