My friends, they love my intelligence
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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