its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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