Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
