I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
