My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
