....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
