I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
