I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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