I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The best revenge is premature balding
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
