i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
