My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
