I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
A bitchslap is in order.
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