Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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