Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
