Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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