the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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