Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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