there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
where are you?
Hypothermia
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
