so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
