he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
