Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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