I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
