apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
