my shit smells like andre
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
