I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
