I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
