Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
