3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
