i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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