I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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