The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
