Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
