There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
