Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The struggles of a small town man whore
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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