I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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