'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
