Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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