bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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