Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
