Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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