i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
