Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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