I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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