He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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