When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
