Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
