things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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