I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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