I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
