I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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