clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
