is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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