he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
