Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize