I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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