We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
